it’s the second day of 2018 and i’m working hard on fulfilling all of my intentions and manifestations for myself while i have the energy and the willpower to do so.
i’ve started a 7 day cleanse, something i’ve never been able to commit to in previous years (spoiler alert: i’m hungry), but it’s good and i feel ok so far.
i’m picking up my computer and writing, something i’ve been talking about but haven’t really implemented, and i’m hoping this is a first step to get me to do more of it. all it takes it 15 mins a day, and i’m hoping to write out and dig through the crap and find out what i really want to say. it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be authentic. real. me.
i’m choosing love over judgement and gossip and negative thinking. this, as it turns out, is not my natural state of being, i really have to choose to do it. and my therapist told me that by thinking and pausing and doing all of these things, it means that i am present. which is something i’ve been wanting for myself, but didn’t exactly know how to achieve. being present for my own life, taking an active role instead of a passive one. present. i like it.
2017 was a year of loss. i lost my dad suddenly early in the year and i lost my friend angela after a fierce battle with cancer that accelerated very quickly at the end of december, and almost seemed sudden. one day they’re there, and the next they’re not. and i spent most of 2017 grieving my dad in active and passive ways – crying, visiting the grave, telling stories, joining a grief group, working with a grief therapist, doing some of his favorite things, buying him a birthday card just cuz it reminded me of him, etc etc. and i spent most of december emailing texting and laughing with angela, crying in spurts, until she was too weak to email and text and laugh and then she was gone. and i still haven’t really grieved it fully.
so i want to use them, these lives these deaths, to take an active role in my life. to manifest what i want instead of sitting back and waiting for life to happen to me. i feel as though my dad is encouraging me to write and angela is encouraging me to live life to the fullest. so i’m choosing to live, baby. and who knows, maybe this living and manifesting will manifest a husband, the one thing i so desperately want to create a family of my own. i mean, i encouraged angela to go out the night she met her husband. perhaps she’s up there choosing the right one to send my way.
more to be revealed.
