have you ever had a moment when one morning you wake up and grief just slaps you in the face? that was me today. i had just shared 2 weeks ago in my grief group that i felt like i was feeling better. and today WHAM. grief.
this past weekend i attended a memorial for a former colleague and boss of mine at a company i freelanced for on and off a couple years ago. it was a beautiful service and so nice to catch up with so many people that i haven’t seen in years. that’s the bittersweet thing about memorials – you’re grieving the person who is no longer on this earth, and at the same time reunited with people that are.
the funny thing about grief is that there isn’t a timeline or a set formula of how long it takes to get over it, and i think i’ve been putting expectations on myself of how long it -should- take. i didn’t think this memorial would be a big deal for me. we weren’t exceptionally close and i felt like i should know the drill about how memorials go. my brain was saying “ok, you’re approaching a year from your dad’s and you -should- be fine.” and what happened with all of these “should should shoulds” is that i should-ed all over myself.
grief is a process. i know this in my brain. some days are better than others. 2 weeks ago i was feeling better. today i wasn’t. but i need to remind my heart that experiencing what i did today doesn’t mean i am not getting “better.” if i am gentle with myself, and lean into the feelings to feel then, then that’s how i can move through it. that, plus self care. i gotta remember the self care.
linda’s husband made a speech about how nurturing she was, to both her children and to talent in her industry, and how she helped so many people achieve their dreams. if we could do one thing for linda, he said, it would be to help someone else achieve their dreams, and then for us too, to achieve our own dreams.
today, dreams achievement starts with self care. i lit a candle. i’m listening to jazz. and sarah vaughn is singing my blues….
“i’m hanging out on monday, my sunday dreams to dry.”
don’t dry up, dreams. tomorrow is a new day. and i’m grateful for every tomorrow i have.
