i swore to myself i wasn’t going to write one of these 2020 reflection posts, but as i was changing my sheets in preparation for an EPIC NYE clean sheet night, i couldn’t stop my mind from reflecting. maybe it’s the taylor swift, maybe it’s that i actually do need to write this in order to fully purge 2020 from my brain.
this year was challenging, to say the least. i found myself financial insecure for the first time in 8 years. my old friends anxiety, depression, and greif came back for an extended visit. i was terrified, stressed and overworked for most of the year, my self care thrown out the window. i had a horrific plumbing incident in my apartment on my 37th birthday after driving home 7 hours, which i am still fighting my landlord on. with so much in this year so uncertain and scary, having your safe space violated by literal shit was the last straw. i had a relationship end, fully, because i couldn’t emotionally support both of us during the pandemic. i lost my drive to exercise at home. i was ghosted. our family dog penny died after a short battle with kidney failure.
but, i have to say that there were also highlights. i got to travel to NY in january (with ruby!) and curacao in february and spend time with some of my dad’s family. i found a love of film photography. i took a series of screenwriting classes, where i found out that i’m a highly intuitive writer who is amazing with characters but struggles with story development, and was given tools to help (which i’ve still avoided doing because i tend to only do things that come easy to me because pain and growth is hard). i got to officiate my brother’s wedding, and i freaking married people, yo! and gained a new sister in the process. i was able to travel to san francisco and half moon bay, and went on a road trip with my mom and discovered my new favorite town of ferndale. my dermotologist was able to clean up my cystic adult acne and aside from the sugar/gluten/dairy zit i’ve just sprouted today because 2020 had to pop up once more. i watched more shows than ever before, including rewatching girls and mad men which i highly recommend doing over again. i cooked A LOT and found new recipes i make weekly. because i was working from home, i got to go to the farmer’s market in culver city every week in the summer which quickly became a highlight, and got the best tasting peaches and cherries i’ve ever had in my life. i cleaned up graffiti. i discovered how healing the beach and a sunset can be. i had surgery, which was challenging during the recovery but have am now far enough away from it to say that i’m so grateful i was able to do it because i feel so much better. i got to celebrate thanksgiving and christmas with my family, which i will never take for granted again.
and all the firsts! i dyed my hair while facetiming with my hairstylist. i was able to facilitate transferring our workflow to completely remote. i will get my first feature credit ever. i went on a 2 zoom dates! i joined tiktok (and one of my videos went semi-viral!). i stopped putting on makeup. i wrote a cover song. i created and edited a music video, and a few pieces of content. i started to learn premiere. i got a new couch!
i guess it’s important to do these sort of reflection things because without it, i would have just said FUCK 2020 YOU SUCK. but in reality, the good outweighed the bad, even though the bad was so so hard and painful to go through. and yes, i still have visits from my friend anxiety right now. i still compare myself this year to every other person on instagram who seems to be pregnant or buying a house or adopting a dog. but i want to leave that behind in 2020. the comparing. i want to move into acceptance and gratitude of where i’m at, and be ok with the little bit of weight i put on because i emotionally ate and drank for 9 months. and be ok with the fact that i’m not financially in a place to buy a house. and that dating is ROUGH in a pandemic, and if i needed to rely on nostalgia of old flames to get me through, that is ok. i want to love myself, for exactly who i am and exactly where i am in life. because i am enough.
