last night, i tried to make things more normal for myself here, get back into my routine. i feel like since i’ve gotten back from costa rica i’ve still been treating living here like a vacation. it felt really good to go to whole foods last night and pick up some salmon and broccoli and make dinner for myself the way i normally do in my own apartment in LA. the only difference, was that my mom came over to eat the 2nd portion. we had both had a hard day and i had extras, so she came. it was nice. we had rose’ and then she left and i watched inventing anna it was literally everything. i was very very happy and content last night.
yesterday was a tough work day for a lot of reasons, but i think part of it is that my period is coming. i’m always much more irritable and reactive around this time. but what i never know is – what is the true me? is it the week after when everything is lovely and hunky dory, or am i really this irritable underneath it all and need to consider making a change? no one is happy 100% of the time, but how much time am i spending in irritation vs happiness? or not even happiness, but like just being content. funny, i almost wrote complacent. wonder if that’s maybe what’s lurking underneath it all, complacency. like – i’m fine, nothing is really wrong. but i’m not really paying attention to it all. feels like i’m going through the motions rather than being turned on or engaged. yes, complacent. self satisfied of one’s achievements without being aware of the dangers or deficiencies. ugh.
tonight i’m going to dinner with my best friend who lives out here. we never get to get together on the weeknights usually so this is a special Meagen in thousand oaks special. will be nice to see her outside of the norm.
i ordered some cycling shoes to try and take advantage of my sister’s peloton she has here. i also told myself i was going to join her gym to start a weight training routine buuuuuuut, i have yet to join. i think i’m struggling with the commitment considering i’m only here for the next 2-ish weeks. for now, at least. in the grand scheme of things it’s really not a big deal – we’re talking about joining a gym for 2 weeks or not until after 2 weeks. or not joining at all! whatever, i don’t have to judge myself. this is all an experiment, and if i don’t have the mental capacity to add in a gym commitment that is ok. there is so much more to be revealed that i don’t even know, so i’m just taking it all in. time means nothing. we can all do or not do things, and they will still be there when we are ready.
so today, i’m going to hold all decisions lightly and remember the Universe has got my back.
let’s do this day 4.
