ugh. i really don’t want to write this morning. i’ve been doing everything to try and avoid it – paying bills. fucking around on social media. making tea. chatting with my sister. almost forgoing this for another walk. i am just NOT IN THE MOOD. part of the reason is that i’m having an epically awful period which came 4 days early, and has been wreaking havoc on my emotions and skin. i am irritable and tired and cranky and might burst into tears at any moment. which, happened to me yesterday.
i’m going to preface this by saying that i know i put an immense amount of pressure on myself. perfectionism has always been something i’ve strived for, and the thing that can take me down the most. if you couple that with the intense desire i have to please people, it is a recipe for an emotional breakdown. i won’t go into the details of what happened, but just know that it was the perfect storm of trying to learn something new and being helpful, not immediately being good at it or knowing what to do, being shamed for trying to help but it wasn’t right, which in turn led to me crumbling and shutting down, bursting into tears, and quitting everything in my mind. i was able to talk everything through and get back to a stable place. but i care so deeply about what other people think of me especially in this new space that i’m exploring, which is something i really really need to learn to let go of. why would i be good at something i’ve never done before? why is the expectation i put on myself or that others put on me that i should know inherently how to think, when i’ve been doing the same job / career for the last 16 years without really learning outside of that? and lastly, why do i (still) think that if i please other people and then they love me for something that i do, that that means i can finally love myself? how can i love myself from the inside, in spite of what others think, not because of it?
nearly 10 years of program would say – esteemable acts. acts of service that generate esteem because you’re doing them for fun and for free because they make you feel good, not because you’re trying to get something out of them. so – how can i be of service? i’m watching my sister’s dog this weekend while she’s out of town. that’s a start. i also feel good in my skin when i’m creating, for me. so, i guess you could say this writing every morning is an esteemable act for myself. i’m committing to doing something that i say makes me feel the most at home in my body. and actually, not for nothing – i feel better after processing everything from yesterday in this way this morning. and i really, really didn’t want to sit down and start writing. so, look at me doing something for myself that helps me.
my stupid subconscious is telling me that reaching out to a therapist would also make me feel really good. so i should revisit that as well. and maybe schedule at least 1 workout class or hike or walk or something this weekend which would also make me feel good.
so, let’s call this the self love weekend. and ima try to recover from the emotional breakdown not with judgement, as i was doing yesterday, but with love. the little girl inside me trying to be perfect all her life just wants to be loved. and not for what she does. but just for who she is.
hang tight, little Meagen. i’m working on it.
