i’m sitting in my apartment with 9 mins left until my laundry is done in the washing machine. there are candles lit and i have jazz piano turned all the way up on my wireless speaker, which is doing it’s best to compete with the loud liquid droning of the dishwasher. all of my things are going at once and i am the good kind of tired that only comes with feeling accomplished. it’s monday night, but it feels like sunday. i had today off work for the MLK day holiday, and with those 3 days off, i had enough time to enjoy the weekend while also doing the things i needed – meal prep, laundry, getting gas, grocery shopping, dishes – and i feel like a new person. i daydreamed while walking my dog this afternoon, thinking about what it would be like if i could take 1 day off a month to work from home, and would that help with my overall mood and happiness.
maybe it’s the energy of the weekend, the fact that i had balance. something i’ve been trying to manifest for myself in 2018. i had equal parts relaxation, social, creative, and accomplishing goals. and that’s something to recognize. i crave balance, but i feel like it’s hard to achieve in a 2 day weekend, mostly because we all have obligations we’re met with, things in life that come up. this person’s birthday party, that person’s baby/bridal/etc shower, seeing an elderly relative, spending time with family. most of the time it’s fun stuff – a chance for catching up with friends and family and celebrating and fulfilling that social part of us that needs filling up. but depending on the event, it can take away from those other areas, the quiet times or the errand-y times that help with self care. and so you’re left to try and balance yourself during the week after work, and it’s hard after a long workday to want to work at those things, to work on yourself, to care for yourself. and you convince yourself that watching 3 hours of reality TV is self-care, because you’re relaxing right? but then you realize you’ve been on instagram during more than just the commercials and you have no idea what’s going on, and all of the scrolling through and catching up on other people’s lives leaves you feeling like you’re missing out on your own. so then you look to the next weekend and see how you can fill yourself back up.
i’ve told the universe i’m ready to start dating again, and this weekend, i got a glimpse into the universe delivering, by putting a guy in my path. do i think this guy is the one? probably not. but it’s definitely opened my eyes up to the fact that this is something i can manifest for myself if i put it out there. and by going out by myself on a saturday night all dressed up, i put myself out there and open myself up to opportunities. was it scary and challenging? absolutely. but i did it. and now i’m getting coffee with someone i’m admittedly unsure of, but i thought was interesting enough to talk to again for another hour or so in the light of day. and while my mind wants to say all kinds of no, i have to remind myself – it’s just coffee. we’re just talking. don’t get yourself all weirded out in your head. this is dating, this is what people do.
and that’s the other part, the part of feeling balanced that i realize came with this weekend and hasn’t come in weekends past and maybe that’s why i feel different. i haven’t felt ready to date after my dad’s passing last year, and i feel like i’m slowly crawling out of that hole. i want it. i’m thirty-fucking-four and i want it. and that’s the puzzle piece i’ve been looking for all these years, the missing puzzle piece to feeling balanced, the love. so hear ye hear ye universe, i’m ready. feel free to send as many good mens my way as i can handle so i can open myself up to love. i wanna see what’s out there. and if this weekend is any indication of what’s to come, i’m pumped. i got a lot of livin’, to do.
