i always get inspiration to write the moment i’m ready to shut off the computer and shut my eyes for the night. why is that? it’s like i’m tired enough to stop overthinking things and just be. and that’s when i want to connect with myself, when i’m most likely to be myself.
i’ve spent the last hour and a half googling things. cherry orchards, farmstays, writing letters to the elderly, dog adoptions. i feel like i’m so obvious that i’m trying to fill some unsubstantiated part of me with something. but i can’t figure out how or what or i have too much ADD to focus and figure out what it is i want to do. and then it all seems overwhelming, so i shut my computer and forget about it until the next day when i go through the same things and the same feelings and it creeps up again and i fight with the computer and i’m no closer to connecting than i was the previous night. and things go unchanged.
i’ve been a little anxious at night recently, i haven’t been sleeping well. part of me thinks it’s because i spend way too much time on my phone and it’s too stimulating before i go to bed. it’s the reason i don’t have a television in my room, but i think i need to enact a strict no phone after 11pm policy. i need an alarm clock.
anyway, i don’t know what this all means. i’m restless. i am in a rut. i need to shake things up. i’m done traveling for a while, and i think i need to make myself stay put no matter how much i want to run away under the guise that i’m living life. ground myself. get in touch with me. connect the dots and see what shape forms. actually live.
don’t run.
don’t run.
don’t run.
