[added later from writing in the “notes” app]

well, it’s the 2nd day in a row where wordpress is down and i can’t write in my blog and i’m just super super irritated. i hate when i set out to do things and i have motivation and then outside factors beyond my control interfere and i get afraid that if i don’t do one day i’ll never do any days ever again because motivation for me is so fleeting and mood dependent.

i am not in acceptance today. and unfortunately, acceptance is the answer to all my problems. i am super annoyed i have to work today, given that it’s a bank holiday but advertising doesn’t seem to give a fuck about any holidays. i mean, it never did, but it especially doesn’t in the last 2 years given everyone is “remote” and “working from home” and “available for work” whenever. or at least, that’s what the assumption is. i really could have used another day off. it feels selfish, given the fact that i just had 2 back to back vacations. but i just am increasingly feeling the burnout symptoms creeping back in. 

it just means i need to do a better job of not caring so much. and having balance. i think part of the reason i’ve been a little miserable is that i don’t think this experiment is working. i miss my apartment. i miss LA. i miss the close proximity with which everything feels and felt. my little soft west coast bubble. and sure, i have to pay for parking everywhere i go and i get stuck in traffic. but i know how to navigate it without getting angry at it because it just is. i don’t know, i don’t feel like myself here in this huge apartment. i miss my tiny cozy space. mine. 

is it just that i miss familiarity though? my routine? or do i really miss los angeles. i think it’s both, but i’m not sure i’m going to know until i go back down there, which i’m planning to do tomorrow. pack a bag and live / vacation in my own place. nothing about living here is inherently bad. it’s fine. i could make it work if i needed to. but the fact is, i don’t need to. and i’m still perfectly content in LA even tho i keep saying i want to get out. but what i think i want more than anything is to get in. to be a part of again. i’m constantly on the outskirts of life. and not feeling connected to any particular place is making me miserable. and crazy. 

it was good to have distance from LA. and now i think i need a little distance from here before making my final decision. but first, an attitude adjustment. just for today. 

i’ve read somewhere that writer’s block is the product of the writer not being able to be honest about something. so in an effort to keep the words flowing, i’m just going to write what’s on my mind. which is that i’m obsessed with the anna delvey story.

i remembered reading the article(s) when they came out a few years ago, flabbergasted that a 20-something year old girl could stick a friend with $62k hotel charges, and that not even be the extent of her crimes. but just how she was able to fool so many people is fascinating. the “inventing anna” show on netflix isn’t groundbreaking, but it is entertaining because of the subject matter. only problem is, i keep falling asleep during episodes because i STILL can’t seem to get back on LA time.

i don’t know if it’s costa rica, or the fact that i stopped taking my allergy medication because, as it turns out, i’m not allergic to anything, so super glad i was on allergy pills for like 20 years. or if it’s the fact that i’m not sleeping in my own bed. or hormones due to this wicked period. or stress at work. or stress in life. but something is making it impossible to sleep. i fall asleep every night between 930 – 10pm, wake up at 2:30, and then wake up somewhere between 5am – 6am for good. every. night. today i’m going on a hike, so maybe adding in more physical activity than just walking might help? but damn. i’d like to sleep.

i told my mom i missed my apartment last night, which is the truth. and i’m wondering if i should go back next weekend for a little “vacation” in my own apartment, just to see if i in fact miss the city. or, if i’m missing it like i miss the thought of NY and then when i get there i’m like – oh right, this is fun for a little bit, but not to live. not sure, but i feel like i’m getting close to making a decision and we’re only 1 week into the experiment. or maybe i’m just tired of living this fractured life in limbo, and i just want to make A decision so i can settle in somewhere.

universe, help guide me. i’m trusting you.

ugh. i really don’t want to write this morning. i’ve been doing everything to try and avoid it – paying bills. fucking around on social media. making tea. chatting with my sister. almost forgoing this for another walk. i am just NOT IN THE MOOD. part of the reason is that i’m having an epically awful period which came 4 days early, and has been wreaking havoc on my emotions and skin. i am irritable and tired and cranky and might burst into tears at any moment. which, happened to me yesterday.

i’m going to preface this by saying that i know i put an immense amount of pressure on myself. perfectionism has always been something i’ve strived for, and the thing that can take me down the most. if you couple that with the intense desire i have to please people, it is a recipe for an emotional breakdown. i won’t go into the details of what happened, but just know that it was the perfect storm of trying to learn something new and being helpful, not immediately being good at it or knowing what to do, being shamed for trying to help but it wasn’t right, which in turn led to me crumbling and shutting down, bursting into tears, and quitting everything in my mind. i was able to talk everything through and get back to a stable place. but i care so deeply about what other people think of me especially in this new space that i’m exploring, which is something i really really need to learn to let go of. why would i be good at something i’ve never done before? why is the expectation i put on myself or that others put on me that i should know inherently how to think, when i’ve been doing the same job / career for the last 16 years without really learning outside of that? and lastly, why do i (still) think that if i please other people and then they love me for something that i do, that that means i can finally love myself? how can i love myself from the inside, in spite of what others think, not because of it?

nearly 10 years of program would say – esteemable acts. acts of service that generate esteem because you’re doing them for fun and for free because they make you feel good, not because you’re trying to get something out of them. so – how can i be of service? i’m watching my sister’s dog this weekend while she’s out of town. that’s a start. i also feel good in my skin when i’m creating, for me. so, i guess you could say this writing every morning is an esteemable act for myself. i’m committing to doing something that i say makes me feel the most at home in my body. and actually, not for nothing – i feel better after processing everything from yesterday in this way this morning. and i really, really didn’t want to sit down and start writing. so, look at me doing something for myself that helps me.

my stupid subconscious is telling me that reaching out to a therapist would also make me feel really good. so i should revisit that as well. and maybe schedule at least 1 workout class or hike or walk or something this weekend which would also make me feel good.

so, let’s call this the self love weekend. and ima try to recover from the emotional breakdown not with judgement, as i was doing yesterday, but with love. the little girl inside me trying to be perfect all her life just wants to be loved. and not for what she does. but just for who she is.

hang tight, little Meagen. i’m working on it.

last night, i tried to make things more normal for myself here, get back into my routine. i feel like since i’ve gotten back from costa rica i’ve still been treating living here like a vacation. it felt really good to go to whole foods last night and pick up some salmon and broccoli and make dinner for myself the way i normally do in my own apartment in LA. the only difference, was that my mom came over to eat the 2nd portion. we had both had a hard day and i had extras, so she came. it was nice. we had rose’ and then she left and i watched inventing anna it was literally everything. i was very very happy and content last night.

yesterday was a tough work day for a lot of reasons, but i think part of it is that my period is coming. i’m always much more irritable and reactive around this time. but what i never know is – what is the true me? is it the week after when everything is lovely and hunky dory, or am i really this irritable underneath it all and need to consider making a change? no one is happy 100% of the time, but how much time am i spending in irritation vs happiness? or not even happiness, but like just being content. funny, i almost wrote complacent. wonder if that’s maybe what’s lurking underneath it all, complacency. like – i’m fine, nothing is really wrong. but i’m not really paying attention to it all. feels like i’m going through the motions rather than being turned on or engaged. yes, complacent. self satisfied of one’s achievements without being aware of the dangers or deficiencies. ugh.

tonight i’m going to dinner with my best friend who lives out here. we never get to get together on the weeknights usually so this is a special Meagen in thousand oaks special. will be nice to see her outside of the norm.

i ordered some cycling shoes to try and take advantage of my sister’s peloton she has here. i also told myself i was going to join her gym to start a weight training routine buuuuuuut, i have yet to join. i think i’m struggling with the commitment considering i’m only here for the next 2-ish weeks. for now, at least. in the grand scheme of things it’s really not a big deal – we’re talking about joining a gym for 2 weeks or not until after 2 weeks. or not joining at all! whatever, i don’t have to judge myself. this is all an experiment, and if i don’t have the mental capacity to add in a gym commitment that is ok. there is so much more to be revealed that i don’t even know, so i’m just taking it all in. time means nothing. we can all do or not do things, and they will still be there when we are ready.

so today, i’m going to hold all decisions lightly and remember the Universe has got my back.

let’s do this day 4.

there’s nothing that can get you out of a bad mood more than making a tiktok. or “content” as the kids call it* (*no kids call it that). at least for me. i think that i feel like i’m most myself when i get lost in making something creative and it puts me the most in touch with myself where i feel like the stars are aligned and i’m truly living life. of course, i can’t live like that all the time because the crushing weight of constantly putting out more content and one-upping myself would absolutely destroy me, not to mention the crippling self-doubt and the fact that underneath it all i never think i’m good enough which then really just makes me hate myself until i throw my phone across the room and vow to never make anything ever again because it’s just not worth the emotional rollercoaster. but, when it’s all over with and said and done i feel great. so, the only way to get to that is to go through the self loathing. really, a small price to pay to truly feel at home in my life and body.

anyway, moving on to day 3. yesterday was a bit tough as well, but it didn’t start out that way. went on a nice 2 mile walk, had a busy day at work but nothing super unmanageable. was able to go work out at my sister’s boyfriends garage gym and she made me dinner which was absolutely delicious. and i got to use my new humidifier. all of those things are winning. but i got a phone call while working out from one of my editors about something that really really pissed me off. and it kinda stuck with me, because it’s something that wasn’t resolved completely last night and i have to address today. and it just really put me in a sour mood that’s carried over today. one of the things that he said was that people need to start going back to the office. and i have that feeling in the pit of my stomach where i’m just not sure living in thousand oaks is a reality right now. which is kind of what i knew all along. i still have 2.5 more weeks of this experiment, so i’m going to give it my all and stick it out since it’s only the 3rd day i’m writing on this. but it’s just another thing that’s interesting to note. oh, and chelsea invited me over to watch the hockey game tonight at 8, and i have the same conflicted issue. if i lived in culver, that wouldn’t be a big deal. but here, it’s a whole thing to drive down there and back and i’ve been still so tired at night and add drinking into the mix it just doesn’t seem worth the drive. so, unless i build a community here – with so much of my life still in LA it’s more stressful and harder than it was just being there.

i guess i should be grateful that some kind of indication or decision might be forming. even if it’s the decision i kind of knew in the pit of my stomach all along. however, it still begs the question of – do i want to be back down in my apartment to prioritize a career i’m not sure i want? so, perhaps i should be shifting my focus and energy into figuring out what i want to do, and letting go of the fear that might come from whatever decision i make. oh and i had a dream about dating, so i think the universe is speaking to me there too. my usual go to is to busy myself and ignore, so pray for me that i can pay attention, listen, reflect, and make a decision.