i had a dream the other night that felt so real that i woke up disoriented. i couldn’t tell where i was, if i was asleep or awake, and if i still needed to make whatever call i thought i needed to in my dreams. i dreamed about the man i’ve been training myself to forget, because i allowed myself to fantasize about him again. after 8 months of being isolated and single in the pandemic, i needed to dip into the good memories to get myself through another night of alone-ness. loneliness i guess it what you would call that, but alone-ness is more of what i felt. alone. with no one. ness.
the human brain is amazing when it feels as though it’s in danger of not getting what it needs. the fact that i was able to go back into the memory stores from nearly 2 years ago to pluck out a good moment to keep me warm and tuck me in that night shows that even when i think i can’t go on, i’m not being taken care of, that i can and i am.
it has been a long and lonely pandemic. attempts at dating virtually have happened, but they have been lackluster. i long to see a smile across a bar, to have a flirty conversation and banter, to feel the weight of a man on top of me without an underlying fear of getting sick, of compromising everything i’ve worked so hard and so diligently for. i think i can make it, i know i can, i’ve been doing it. i just might need to dip into the archives to make it through. but the trick is not to linger in the archives. the archives are the archives for a reason. i don’t have to shut the door on the past, but i also don’t have to leave it open for so long. that’s how the flies get in.
it’s 85 months into the pandemic and here i am. listening to jazz, working late and drinking whiskey. almost makes me feel like i’m back in NY. why is it that i’ve been craving NY so deeply lately? maybe it’s that feeling of freedom i miss. freedom from responsibility, freedom to wander the city at any hour doing whatever i want because it’s just me. these are the things i like about being single.
i really should go to bed, but since now is the first time (besides the yoga class i took at 6) i’ve had to myself without work i really want to enjoy it. and damn, why have i forgotten how amazing whiskey is?
i have a few more things to tackle on my life list and i feel like i’m slowly accomplishing things. i’ve almost worked up the courage to have a conversation with my landlord and that will be taken care of. prepping me for the next wave of drama. but i guess it’s nice to feel like i’m on the other side. of what, i don’t know. but april, may, and june sure were shitty.
anyway. i’ve lost interest in this now. but it feels good to write. let’s do this again sometime, shall we? you bring the blank page, i’ll bring the whiskey.
i wrote this post 6 years ago on one of my old blogs, but the sentiment still applies. in the years since, i’ve continued to have many wonderful valentines day experiences which i’ve updated and detailed here and i’m still incredibly grateful that i’ve had such a positive association, which i believe came from the strong foundation my mom gave us. valentines day is about love, and not just romantic love. friend love, nature love, world love, love love. and who doesn’t love love?
.and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make. (originally written 2/14/12, updated 2/14/18)
every year on valentines day, my mom would set out individual baskets of strawberries for all of us kids. sometimes we’d get a little present too, like a pencil with hearts on it, or a tiny box of chocolates, and usually a note in our lunch telling us how much she loved us. and as a kid you’re always like “mooooommmmm.” but it was so nice. just a little token of love for each of us.
in elementary school, every year we’d all make a valentine mailbox, and people would bring in pre-packaged valentines – you know the ones. with the mini candy like smarties, or sweet tarts, or m+ms. the best ones were the ones with the tiny boxes of nerds…those kids were so legit in my book. but once in 5th grade, i got a real valentine card from mark taylor, and he said he was glad we were friends and he was glad to know me. he spelled valentines wrong, but i didn’t care. i got a real card from a boy i had a crush on. i think he and i both blushed for a week after that. i think i still have that card somewhere…
i can remember almost every valentines day from college. having to work at cupid’s hot dogs my sophomore year, and how it was busy because…it was -cupids- hot dogs. and how my coworker brought me flowers and balloons, and bought me a salad and a chocolate milkshake from the restaurant across the street. and how that morning, my friend erik had come over and made me pancakes before our test. and junior year, spending it with naomi, going shopping in santa barbara and her buying me mexican food, and later watching save the last dance in our pajamas while eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate. i think we put our retainers in after that. i remember laughing a lot. and my senior year, spending it with nay and the girls watching “the other side of aspen,” and drinking wine. love.
after college, it blurs a little, but i remember toi thai with angela, kat and naomi when we ran into adam brody and rachel bilson, and another night at el cholo with nay and the girls. or when my friend nick came to NY for work in 2009, but came to see me that night, and brought me flowers on his way in from the airport. and 2010….or “the day that never happened” with PJ and angela. emerald pub. tribeca grand. fist pumping. makeouts with tyler. 2011 making the trip out to SF to spend another year with naomi. kozy kar and asiaSF watching the drag queens dance. 2012 going to a special sleep no more celebration with my NY bestie chris and watching zebra katz perform in the orgy room. and in the years since then, thai food with kat, more dinners with naomi, 50 shades of grey with a drunken gorup of ladies, and 2 years ago going to portland to have a galentines day with carly where we went to sassy’s at 7pm and drank champagne and ate pizza and were in bed by 9:30.
i am so lucky to be surrounded by so much love, romantic, friendly, or otherwise. just love. my heart hurts i love so much. plus, an excuse to dress up, or drink wine, or have a party, or whatever. that’s cool with me. count me in. so i guess as it turns out, i’m a huge fan of valentines day. and someday when i have a little girl, i’m going to give her her own basket of strawberries, and write her a note in her lunch, and give her a cute little pencil, too. and make sure she knows that she’s loved, and doesn’t ever need a man to justify that for her.
have you ever had a moment when one morning you wake up and grief just slaps you in the face? that was me today. i had just shared 2 weeks ago in my grief group that i felt like i was feeling better. and today WHAM. grief.
this past weekend i attended a memorial for a former colleague and boss of mine at a company i freelanced for on and off a couple years ago. it was a beautiful service and so nice to catch up with so many people that i haven’t seen in years. that’s the bittersweet thing about memorials – you’re grieving the person who is no longer on this earth, and at the same time reunited with people that are.
the funny thing about grief is that there isn’t a timeline or a set formula of how long it takes to get over it, and i think i’ve been putting expectations on myself of how long it -should- take. i didn’t think this memorial would be a big deal for me. we weren’t exceptionally close and i felt like i should know the drill about how memorials go. my brain was saying “ok, you’re approaching a year from your dad’s and you -should- be fine.” and what happened with all of these “should should shoulds” is that i should-ed all over myself.
grief is a process. i know this in my brain. some days are better than others. 2 weeks ago i was feeling better. today i wasn’t. but i need to remind my heart that experiencing what i did today doesn’t mean i am not getting “better.” if i am gentle with myself, and lean into the feelings to feel then, then that’s how i can move through it. that, plus self care. i gotta remember the self care.
linda’s husband made a speech about how nurturing she was, to both her children and to talent in her industry, and how she helped so many people achieve their dreams. if we could do one thing for linda, he said, it would be to help someone else achieve their dreams, and then for us too, to achieve our own dreams.
today, dreams achievement starts with self care. i lit a candle. i’m listening to jazz. and sarah vaughn is singing my blues….
“i’m hanging out on monday, my sunday dreams to dry.”
don’t dry up, dreams. tomorrow is a new day. and i’m grateful for every tomorrow i have.
it’s sunday, which means i’m counting down the hours until i will meet my friend pj to watch the afternoon football game where it will be accompanied by my favorite thing – afternoon football food. i’m sitting in my apartment with the heat on and the fireplace roaring, as much as it can for a tiny gas fireplace, trying to keep warm on this blisteringly cold 62 degree day. laugh all you want, but there is no insulation in this apartment and it’s cold AF.
i went on a coffee date this weekend, with the guy that i met at the bar last weekend. coffee was my suggestion, as i wasn’t ready to dive into a dinner setting when i wasn’t sure i wanted to pursue anything, and coffee seemed like a friendly, easy way to get to know someone without having anyone shell out too much time or money if it wasn’t a match. considering we met in a loud crowded bar when he was dressed in a suit for a james bond themed birthday party, i felt like we needed to meet in the light of day. unfortunately, my date was not on the same page which became evident as soon as we sat down.
“i feel so far away from you” he said. “do you mind if i move my chair over here?” he dragged his chair over to the corner of the table and scooted in closer.
“that’s better.”
he said that he was hoping to get together much sooner, and i told him i had had a busy week which is why i suggested saturday. i work in post production and this is our busy season due to the awards season and superbowl, which is basically like advertising’s academy awards. he asked if that was the one where everyone gets dressed up in suits? i said they all are. he also realized he hadn’t asked what i did for a living before the date, and said he liked that it was a mystery.
the more we talked, the more i realized that besides not asking what i did for a living, he never asked me any specific questions at all, like he wasn’t interested in getting to know me as much as he was interested in the process of flirting and dating. i made mention of something my sister had done and he didn’t use that as a lead in to ask how many siblings i had or where i grew up. he seemed to be put off when i asked him similar type questions, and preferred to keep the conversation light and general. i told him about a dinner i had gone to on wednesday with my friends and said it was the best dinner i had had in a while. he asked if the food was like an orgasm in my mouth. i laughed, nervously.
he made several attempts to get even closer to me during the date. when i answered questions, he’d say my name and touch me on the arm or the hand. more than once i felt his feet creep up to my feet. he made a comment how coffee dates always make him nervous, but that his friend told him that she loved coffee dates. i asked him why she liked them and why he didn’t, with him saying in more or less words that he felt like it wasn’t a good way to get to know someone, and he would have preferred to take a walk and flip a coin and use heads or tails to guide us on where we ended up. he started fidgeting with his paper straw and asked if i fidgeted too. i said it sounded like he wanted more of an adventure.
after we had been getting to know each other for 50 mins, he said he needed to put more quarters in the meter. i said ok, i proceeded to take out my phone to text my friends about the date but then he asked if i wanted to walk with him to do so. i then realized that this was his plan all along. the man who didn’t like coffee dates was trying to keep it as short as possible. i got the sense that he was trying to move things along quickly rather than let things unfold organically and i started thinking about how i could get out of this date. we walked and i dug in my purse for a piece of gum and starting fidgeting with the wrapper.
“you do fidget!” he exclaimed as we walked.
i accidentally dropped the wrapper, and apologized for littering. he asked if i thought i was going to get in trouble, if i was a naughty girl. i laughed it off.
he held out his hand and said “you can fidget with this instead.”
without even thinking about it, the words came tumbling out of my mouth. “oh, i don’t know if i’m ready for all that.”
he said ok and we kept walking, my heart sinking that this person could think that i’d be ready to hold his hand after knowing him for a total of 2 hrs between weekends. we got to his car and we stood there for a minute before he asked what i was doing the rest of the day or if i had to get back.
i had a choice. i could continue on this date or i could say what i said:
“you what, thank you so much for the coffee. i had a really nice time, but i don’t think it’s there for me and want to be honest and don’t want to lead you on.”
he was both surprised and disappointed, but said he appreciated the honesty and we hugged goodbye and that was that.
the funny thing is, i was prepared to spend more time with him – so in a way, by not letting things just be and by trying to rush it, he inevitably cut the date short. but, i wasn’t really feeling it anyway so maybe he felt that and we just got to the end much faster. either way, i appreciate the experience, as i feel that my confidence in myself is restored. i know now that i am able to speak up, find my voice, and speak my truth when i need to and while it’s uncomfortable, it’s not scary. i can think back to so many experiences in my dating life where i was not able to do so, because i felt bad, because he drove all this way, because he bought dinner, because isn’t that what he expects?
maybe it’s the momentum of the women’s march, all the energy making it over to coffee in culver city. but something feels different this year. maybe i’m actually believing my own hype – realizing that i’m pretty awesome and i’m worth me fighting for me.
