one tiny red balloon

do you ever have those days when stress wins? when you’re heart feels like it’s going to explode and you are trying to formulate words, but your mouth isn’t moving as fast as your brain and you can’t finish a conversation with one person before the phone rings or someone else needs you and your inbox is full and you feel like if one more person asks you something you might topple over and die? and you know things are going to be ok, and you know you are supported, and you know that this too shall pass. but it just takes it’s toll and you break down because it feels so real.

that was me today.

i cried a little, because that’s what i know how to do, that’s how i know how to handle stress. i am completely ill-equipped otherwise to handle it. i just never learned how. so i’m in this place where i need to help manage it, i need to find a balance between my work life and my life life so i don’t get to the ugly cry stage and act like a teenager at my place of business.

so … what makes me feel better? let’s start a list……

– crying
– talking walks
– doing that thing when you start crying but then you start laughing and then you start crying again
– baths
– massages
– exercising
– chocolate chip cookies
– lighting candles
– reading
– mani/pedis
– baking

tonight i opted for the bath, and it helped a little. it made me feel normal at least, like i was a human and i do human things other than work. but my brain won’t shut up and my heart won’t stop pounding.

i changed my sheets though, and i’m about to climb in them with my clean self and that is always my most favorite of nights. who knows, tomorrow is a new day – maybe this will help me dream clean and start fresh for tomorrow.

here’s hoping.

 

why do i always get inspiration to write when i’m exhausted? it’s like the minute i decide i need to drag my sorry ass into bed, i get an idea. something pops into my head. sometimes i ignore it, but i had that feeling tugging on my insides that i needed to dig out my computer and get my thoughts out on paper…er out in the blogosphere.

on sunday, david bowie died and i’m really really sad. and i know i don’t know him or anything, but it just is one of those things where you feel like there’s a void, that the whole world has a void. the energy shifts and you can’t pinpoint the feeling you have except that it kind of feels like what loneliness feels like. on monday, every single radio station … even the justin bieber ones…were playing bowie. i fought back tears on way into work, though i felt silly for even crying a little. i never knew bowie personally, so why do i care? it’s that feeling. emptiness.

i feel lucky to have been raised in a family that appreciates music. after the news broke, my dad sent out a text via our family group chat – “wow, david bowie dead from cancer.” most of us responded with shock and talking about how we didn’t know he was sick, and then my sister kelsey asked – “what’s everyone’s favorite david bowie song?”

“life on mars and under pressure. and little drummer boy with bing crosby”
“either moonage daydream or suffragette city. pretty much anything from ziggy stardust days. reminds me of old hollywood.”
“favorite song…yeah, everything he ever did…even the stuff outside of the box!! he really was a musical legend”
“ziggy stardust, starman, fame, moonage daydream”
“life on mars, ziggy stardust, rebel rebel”
“i like under pressure with queen”
“also rock and roll suicide. ‘time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth. then a finger and another finger, then cigarette…..oh no you’re a rock and roll suicide.’ classic”

starman, life on mars, and under pressure repeated in my head all day at work, almost like a soundtrack for the day, like my head wanted to pay tribute. and i let it.
today was business as usual, and everyone moved on to other things, and the radio stations were back to playing justin bieber and my head followed suit.

but it was nice for one day to celebrate his life, his creativity, his contributions to the world. and even though he leaves behind a void here on earth, i can’t help but think that ziggy has finally found his place in space. and now, there really is life on mars.

help.

i’m in the bathroom, i just got done washing my face, i put on my nighttime moisturizer and i just found a grey eyebrow hair.

help.

i am no stranger to grey hairs…on my head. i am on a every-4-weeks dye schedule with my favorite hair stylist krystal who affectionately refers to me as “granny.” but an eyebrow hair? what the fuck am i supposed to do with that? pluck it? dye it? leave it? this aging thing has gone too far. what’s next? wait, don’t answer that, i don’t want to think about it.

i’m aware that i am still 32 years young (and single i might add), so i should be selling myself as a golden goddess who has perfectly pigmented everything and post makeup free selfies joyfully proclaiming “i woke up like dis” when in fact no, you probably didn’t and that was likely your 1398713th attempt at that photo that you probably retouched anyway you lying sack of shit millennial.

but sometimes you just gotta own the fact that 6 days into 2016 you found a grey eyebrow hair, because that shit is fucked up and we need to talk about it.

 

 

i’m really good at getting things done when i’m avoiding doing something else. it’s like i really need to go to the grocery store, but i don’t want to so i’ll procrastinate by re-organizing my storage closet or cleaning out my medicine cabinet. it’s all productive procrastination, but at the end of the day i still really need to go to the grocery store or else i won’t have food. why do i actively put things off that inevitably need to be done?

i think, really, that i’m addicted to the rush – letting myself get to the point where there’s no denying that i NEED to accomplish whatever task or there will be dire consequences. the stakes need to be risen so that there will be anxiety and then panic and then the only way to get rid of the anxiety and panic is to accept that it needs to be done. and then to do it. and then there is calm. until the next task that i don’t want to do comes and then the cycle repeats itself. it’s maddening, really. but i still seem to get something out of it.

it’s the sunday night before going back into work after holiday break, which means sunday night anxiety is starting to rear it’s ugly head. that, and i’ve got the procrastination anxiety, so basically i am insane and i probably shouldn’t leave my apartment. i think i need to make a list so it helps sort everything into nice little manageable chunks, and i won’t have the fear that i’m forgetting something. if i don’t write things down, leaving everything whirling around in my head can seem overwhelming.

i’m also really tired for some reason so i hope i’m not getting sick. ugh.

here we are – 2nd day of 2016 and we’re writing again! goals being completed! i also made a spin class this morning which means that my total exercise quota of the new year is 1 for 2! things are looking up.

…or at least they were this morning when i started this post. i told you, i’m really good at starting things and not great at finishing them. but, in the spirit of attaining goals, here i am finishing this post so i can keep my promise to myself of writing everyday. i’ve heard it’s like a muscle, you have to keep working at it if it’s going to get stronger. i think i’m in the huffing-and-puffing-why-did-i-agree-to-do-this stage of writing. the sore spot. hopefully the more i do it, the easier it will be to pull this stuff outta me and i will grow to love this blog instead of resenting it.

i think if i’m being honest with myself, there’s a part of me that’s not letting it all out, that’s holding back. because it’s different now, when you’re older and more established. it’s riskier to put all your stuff out there on the internet for other people to read. i used to love that about writing, about being honest, about connecting with other people. relating. why am i so afraid now?

ugh, i’m so over fear.