yesterday i had all good intentions to write a 2015 wrap up post of everything that i had done / accomplished / everywhere i’d traveled to / etc in 2015 to reflect on the past year and usher in the new one. and i think 2015 is summed up by the fact that i started too late in the day, got halfway through the post and then abandoned it. i’m really good at starting things and not so great about finishing them.

so with 2016, with the new year – my intention is to finish what i start. and it starts with this blog and actually writing some things in it.

i’d like to set a goal to write something everyday. if it’s good, if it’s bad. even if it’s just to say – i hate writing everyday why did i make this goal? i have kept so many blogs over the years, and i love that they’re like a time capsule, a glimpse into my life and into my head during whatever time period i wrote it. and it’s therapeutic to get my thoughts out on internet “paper” and help untangle what i’m really thinking and feeling from everything that’s in my head.

i think 2016 is going to be a great year – it was ushered in without the same bravado and fanfare as new years’ past and i think that is symbolic of a turning point. i’m in a place where i am giving less fucks. in a good way.

i think i’m ready to put in the work to participating in my own life. less streaming videos, more doing things, less fear.

#finishingwhatistarted2016

let’s do this.

 

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2015. i started sifting through my mail yesterday, things that had collected over the last week when i had been home for christmas and then in yosemite with friends. amidst the bills and belated christmas cards, i found a magazine from cal poly, one they send me quarterly as an alumni. i paged through it, looking at the accomplishments of the college and the students past and present, and became overcome with gratitude that i had gone to school there. memories flooded back, and then i remembered that this june will be my 10 year anniversary of graduating college. WTF – where has the time gone?

i found a wilted red balloon while i was cleaning today. it was given to me as a gift on a second date by a guy who i had really wanted to make work even though it didn’t feel right. and the balloon, much like the relationship, had wilted and faded away. i stared at the balloon and it seemed to represent so many things – inspiration, hope, love, god, something greater than myself. a reminder that i am not alone.

it makes me think about this year. how i want to participate more, zone out less, be more active, not so lazy. i’ve said this before, and it tends to last for a little while, and then i fall back into the same patterns. frozen dinners, skipping the gym, saying no, staying in to watch episodes of law and order i’ve seen before, hiding. avoiding life because it’s easier. because it’s safe. 

i start work up again in 2 days and i know it’s going to be a struggle to keep this up. but for today i feel good. and i’ve got to try. my one red balloon is telling me to try.

i keep hearing this song lately and i feel like it’s telling me something. all i have to do is dream.

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