it’s sunday, which means i’m counting down the hours until i will meet my friend pj to watch the afternoon football game where it will be accompanied by my favorite thing – afternoon football food. i’m sitting in my apartment with the heat on and the fireplace roaring, as much as it can for a tiny gas fireplace, trying to keep warm on this blisteringly cold 62 degree day. laugh all you want, but there is no insulation in this apartment and it’s cold AF.
i went on a coffee date this weekend, with the guy that i met at the bar last weekend. coffee was my suggestion, as i wasn’t ready to dive into a dinner setting when i wasn’t sure i wanted to pursue anything, and coffee seemed like a friendly, easy way to get to know someone without having anyone shell out too much time or money if it wasn’t a match. considering we met in a loud crowded bar when he was dressed in a suit for a james bond themed birthday party, i felt like we needed to meet in the light of day. unfortunately, my date was not on the same page which became evident as soon as we sat down.
“i feel so far away from you” he said. “do you mind if i move my chair over here?” he dragged his chair over to the corner of the table and scooted in closer.
“that’s better.”
he said that he was hoping to get together much sooner, and i told him i had had a busy week which is why i suggested saturday. i work in post production and this is our busy season due to the awards season and superbowl, which is basically like advertising’s academy awards. he asked if that was the one where everyone gets dressed up in suits? i said they all are. he also realized he hadn’t asked what i did for a living before the date, and said he liked that it was a mystery.
the more we talked, the more i realized that besides not asking what i did for a living, he never asked me any specific questions at all, like he wasn’t interested in getting to know me as much as he was interested in the process of flirting and dating. i made mention of something my sister had done and he didn’t use that as a lead in to ask how many siblings i had or where i grew up. he seemed to be put off when i asked him similar type questions, and preferred to keep the conversation light and general. i told him about a dinner i had gone to on wednesday with my friends and said it was the best dinner i had had in a while. he asked if the food was like an orgasm in my mouth. i laughed, nervously.
he made several attempts to get even closer to me during the date. when i answered questions, he’d say my name and touch me on the arm or the hand. more than once i felt his feet creep up to my feet. he made a comment how coffee dates always make him nervous, but that his friend told him that she loved coffee dates. i asked him why she liked them and why he didn’t, with him saying in more or less words that he felt like it wasn’t a good way to get to know someone, and he would have preferred to take a walk and flip a coin and use heads or tails to guide us on where we ended up. he started fidgeting with his paper straw and asked if i fidgeted too. i said it sounded like he wanted more of an adventure.
after we had been getting to know each other for 50 mins, he said he needed to put more quarters in the meter. i said ok, i proceeded to take out my phone to text my friends about the date but then he asked if i wanted to walk with him to do so. i then realized that this was his plan all along. the man who didn’t like coffee dates was trying to keep it as short as possible. i got the sense that he was trying to move things along quickly rather than let things unfold organically and i started thinking about how i could get out of this date. we walked and i dug in my purse for a piece of gum and starting fidgeting with the wrapper.
“you do fidget!” he exclaimed as we walked.
i accidentally dropped the wrapper, and apologized for littering. he asked if i thought i was going to get in trouble, if i was a naughty girl. i laughed it off.
he held out his hand and said “you can fidget with this instead.”
without even thinking about it, the words came tumbling out of my mouth. “oh, i don’t know if i’m ready for all that.”
he said ok and we kept walking, my heart sinking that this person could think that i’d be ready to hold his hand after knowing him for a total of 2 hrs between weekends. we got to his car and we stood there for a minute before he asked what i was doing the rest of the day or if i had to get back.
i had a choice. i could continue on this date or i could say what i said:
“you what, thank you so much for the coffee. i had a really nice time, but i don’t think it’s there for me and want to be honest and don’t want to lead you on.”
he was both surprised and disappointed, but said he appreciated the honesty and we hugged goodbye and that was that.
the funny thing is, i was prepared to spend more time with him – so in a way, by not letting things just be and by trying to rush it, he inevitably cut the date short. but, i wasn’t really feeling it anyway so maybe he felt that and we just got to the end much faster. either way, i appreciate the experience, as i feel that my confidence in myself is restored. i know now that i am able to speak up, find my voice, and speak my truth when i need to and while it’s uncomfortable, it’s not scary. i can think back to so many experiences in my dating life where i was not able to do so, because i felt bad, because he drove all this way, because he bought dinner, because isn’t that what he expects?
maybe it’s the momentum of the women’s march, all the energy making it over to coffee in culver city. but something feels different this year. maybe i’m actually believing my own hype – realizing that i’m pretty awesome and i’m worth me fighting for me.
