did i mention that i’m staying at my sister’s place for the next 3 weeks? well, i definitely didn’t because i haven’t written in a while. but i’m telling you now. and i’m underway in the 3 week experiment – a chunk of time i’ve committed to living here in an effort to figure out if moving to thousand oaks, either temporarily or on a more permanent basis, is something that i like. something that i might need, to get me out of LA.
the hard part is, i don’t dislike LA. and i’m not quite sure i’m ready to give up the city. but something does have to change, because i’m not happy. whether it’s as easy as an apartment, or tougher like a city or a job or alas, a career. something, after 2 years of misery and loneliness in “these unprecedented times”, has to change.
so i’m writing here, and going to try and make an effort to write every morning to check in with myself and how i’m feeling about it all so i might have a record to look back on and maybe make sense of the jumbled mess inside my head.
this past weekend was a perfect example of why it’s so great to consider living here. i went to santa barbara with my mom and we took the dogs to the dog beach and then walked around downtown santa barbara. it took us all of 1 hour to get there from here, and 1 hour to get back. we avoided the majority of the traffic, and it was such a pleasant wonderful day. for someone who loves the central coast, it was nice to remember it’s just a hop skip and a jump away. just seemed easy, fun. and then yesterday, i accomplished all the errands i wanted to – car wash, market, target, nails, without having to fight traffic or pay for parking. the stores were largely uncrowded and i was able to do everything i needed. and then i went to my moms to watch the superbowl and it was all very low key and pleasant and lovely.
the thought that keeps plaguing the back of my mind is – am i settling? and i shutting myself off from romance or love because i’m spending too much time with my family? should i have met up with chelsea at her friends house, or gone to a bar to be amongst my LA people. but if i was having fun at my moms, is it ok not to judge it and just accept it for what it is? that i truly wanted to be there and that’s ok?
i just want to make sure that here, i’m still living my life. the one i want. and not getting stuck in a past life because it’s familiar. where am i happiest? where is going to get me what i want?
and that’s the other part. WHAT DO I WANT? i’m giving the universe mixed signals, but it’s because i haven’t quite figured out what’s more important. on one hand, i really would like to meet my forever person, the love of my life, the man who will give me what i’ve wanted more than anything – a child, and we will become a family and be able to buy a house, and make a home in that house and make memories and attend the birthday parties with the other moms and dads where we’ll have a cocktail at 11am while bragging about our kids accomplishments, and then go to home depot because we’ll obviously be renovating something, have some kind of project going on. people at home depot always have some kind of project going on. and we’re in synched on our schedules and date nights and it’s relaxed and easy and we just get and support each other and we grow old together and just are so in love. and on the other hand, i want to travel the world – uninhibited by the responsibilities of kids. and be able to do whatever i want whenever i want. have fun dating, and gain confidence in my sexual abilities. have the time to be able to dedicate to deep self reflection and self care. but as my mom said on saturday, why do those things have to be mutual exclusive? can i live, in the present, uninhibited, until the universe presents me with the time for the other thing. the kid and family thing.
so, i guess the takeaway from today is – i’ve just gotta do monday. i just gotta do valentines day. and that means just living in the present. even if where i’m staying is rooted somewhere in the past, while i work to figure out my future.
