there’s nothing that can get you out of a bad mood more than making a tiktok. or “content” as the kids call it* (*no kids call it that). at least for me. i think that i feel like i’m most myself when i get lost in making something creative and it puts me the most in touch with myself where i feel like the stars are aligned and i’m truly living life. of course, i can’t live like that all the time because the crushing weight of constantly putting out more content and one-upping myself would absolutely destroy me, not to mention the crippling self-doubt and the fact that underneath it all i never think i’m good enough which then really just makes me hate myself until i throw my phone across the room and vow to never make anything ever again because it’s just not worth the emotional rollercoaster. but, when it’s all over with and said and done i feel great. so, the only way to get to that is to go through the self loathing. really, a small price to pay to truly feel at home in my life and body.
anyway, moving on to day 3. yesterday was a bit tough as well, but it didn’t start out that way. went on a nice 2 mile walk, had a busy day at work but nothing super unmanageable. was able to go work out at my sister’s boyfriends garage gym and she made me dinner which was absolutely delicious. and i got to use my new humidifier. all of those things are winning. but i got a phone call while working out from one of my editors about something that really really pissed me off. and it kinda stuck with me, because it’s something that wasn’t resolved completely last night and i have to address today. and it just really put me in a sour mood that’s carried over today. one of the things that he said was that people need to start going back to the office. and i have that feeling in the pit of my stomach where i’m just not sure living in thousand oaks is a reality right now. which is kind of what i knew all along. i still have 2.5 more weeks of this experiment, so i’m going to give it my all and stick it out since it’s only the 3rd day i’m writing on this. but it’s just another thing that’s interesting to note. oh, and chelsea invited me over to watch the hockey game tonight at 8, and i have the same conflicted issue. if i lived in culver, that wouldn’t be a big deal. but here, it’s a whole thing to drive down there and back and i’ve been still so tired at night and add drinking into the mix it just doesn’t seem worth the drive. so, unless i build a community here – with so much of my life still in LA it’s more stressful and harder than it was just being there.
i guess i should be grateful that some kind of indication or decision might be forming. even if it’s the decision i kind of knew in the pit of my stomach all along. however, it still begs the question of – do i want to be back down in my apartment to prioritize a career i’m not sure i want? so, perhaps i should be shifting my focus and energy into figuring out what i want to do, and letting go of the fear that might come from whatever decision i make. oh and i had a dream about dating, so i think the universe is speaking to me there too. my usual go to is to busy myself and ignore, so pray for me that i can pay attention, listen, reflect, and make a decision.
