[added later from writing in the “notes” app]
well, it’s the 2nd day in a row where wordpress is down and i can’t write in my blog and i’m just super super irritated. i hate when i set out to do things and i have motivation and then outside factors beyond my control interfere and i get afraid that if i don’t do one day i’ll never do any days ever again because motivation for me is so fleeting and mood dependent.
i am not in acceptance today. and unfortunately, acceptance is the answer to all my problems. i am super annoyed i have to work today, given that it’s a bank holiday but advertising doesn’t seem to give a fuck about any holidays. i mean, it never did, but it especially doesn’t in the last 2 years given everyone is “remote” and “working from home” and “available for work” whenever. or at least, that’s what the assumption is. i really could have used another day off. it feels selfish, given the fact that i just had 2 back to back vacations. but i just am increasingly feeling the burnout symptoms creeping back in.
it just means i need to do a better job of not caring so much. and having balance. i think part of the reason i’ve been a little miserable is that i don’t think this experiment is working. i miss my apartment. i miss LA. i miss the close proximity with which everything feels and felt. my little soft west coast bubble. and sure, i have to pay for parking everywhere i go and i get stuck in traffic. but i know how to navigate it without getting angry at it because it just is. i don’t know, i don’t feel like myself here in this huge apartment. i miss my tiny cozy space. mine.
is it just that i miss familiarity though? my routine? or do i really miss los angeles. i think it’s both, but i’m not sure i’m going to know until i go back down there, which i’m planning to do tomorrow. pack a bag and live / vacation in my own place. nothing about living here is inherently bad. it’s fine. i could make it work if i needed to. but the fact is, i don’t need to. and i’m still perfectly content in LA even tho i keep saying i want to get out. but what i think i want more than anything is to get in. to be a part of again. i’m constantly on the outskirts of life. and not feeling connected to any particular place is making me miserable. and crazy.
it was good to have distance from LA. and now i think i need a little distance from here before making my final decision. but first, an attitude adjustment. just for today.
